Lesson Learned

Before I had kids, I made broad statements on parenting, but once I had kids, those statements seemed more like wishful thinking. For example, I once said "my kids are never going to eat at McDonald's." That "statement" was busted about the time the boys were two and I was looking for an indoor playland. Another time, I said that "my kids are never going to have a video game." That was busted about the time the kids were 5 and "Santa" bought them Leapsters.

This weekend, I "busted" another parenting statement. I swore that if my kids were in sports, I would not be a back-seat coach and I would let the coaches do their jobs. This weekend, the kids were in a swim meet. For the last six weeks, they have been practicing backstroke "flip turns". These turns are technically challenging because it requires that the swimmer know how many strokes from the flags (at the end of the pool) to the wall, and they use that count in the event to turn on their stomachs close to the wall, flip and then continue doing the backstroke. It's hard. BUT, the kids have been doing it in practice, and I know they can do it.

So, me, in my brilliant wisdom, told the kids that I didn't care what their times were for any of their events, but I did want them to try to do the backstroke flipturn (instead of just swimming into the wall, touching it and then going). First up, was Emily. The boys & I were waiting for her at the end of the pool. Then the boys tell me that they didn't practice their backstroke in the warm-ups and so they have no idea how many strokes it will take them from the flags to the end of the pool. Well, how can you do a backstroke flip turn then?! Unfortunately, it was too late to help Emily. Bless her little heart. She was doing an absolute perfect backstroke and was leading in her heat....until she tried to do her flip turn. She turned on her stomach too early. She didn't know what to do, so she stood up and started crying. I eventually convinced her to finish, but she was very upset. I should have just kept my mouth shut and encouraged them to have fun. Argh. Lesson learned. Coaches coach; not parents.

But, all is well that ends well. After an hour rain delay, Emily swam the best 50 meter breast stroke that we have ever seen her do, and she qualified for the state meet in that event with a time of 1:03:27. To qualify she needed at least a 1:10:59. Her smile at the end of that event made all the tears from the backstroke event a forgotten memory. Fortunately, her mom's memory is very long, and I don't think I will ever forget the lesson that I learned at this swim meet.

Golfing and Working Moms

Golfing, or what I fondly refer to as "Whack-A-Ball", is something that I cannot avoid in my profession or marriage to a golf aficionado. This morning, a client was sponsoring a golf tournament, and so we rounded up a team from the office to participate.

My gal-pal colleague and I were quietly chatting about the fact that few working moms are golfers, let alone good golfers. But, the reverse is not true with working dads. One of the "gray-haired" partners with grown children at my firm can't understand why I don't take lessons so I can play better. I have 3 good reasons: Mark, Andrew and Emily. Between working, soccer games, swim team and ordinary errands, my schedule does not have room for me to learn how to play golf (and that is assuming that I would want to spend my spare time chasing a little ball with a stick....although, it is the one "sport" that allows participants to drink beer while participating in the game....that is at least one reason to play golf).

The question still remains, why are more working dads better at golf? My gal-pal & I think it is because women generally bear more of the family responsibilities than men. I don't know of a single mom who takes 4 hours to play a round of golf on a Saturday while the dad watches the kids. That scenario is so unrealistic as to border on a scene is in some fantasy show. However, the reverse is reality: many moms will watch the kids on a Saturday so the husband can go golfing.

So, at least for the near future, I will continue to endure the twice a year marketing golf outings, and proudly record my obscene handicap as a sign that I am devoted mother, who given 4 hours away from the kids would rather spend the time and money at a spa than chasing a stupid ball while being eaten by mosquitoes.

Guilty Environmentalist

What is an environmentalist mother to do? I am very conscious of the scarcity of water. We have a drum to collect rainwater to water the plants and we are saving money to replace the backyard with xeriscaping. We do not mind having a brown lawn.

But....the kids LOVE to play with the waterhose. They have been playing with the waterhose for the last hour - filling up balloons and dropping them from the deck. They have created "water buddies" using old soda bottles. Their giggling is music to my ears. Good old fashioned fun. But, I can't help but cringe at the waste of the water. Should I turn off the water? Figure out how to capture the water from the hose? Go bury my head in the sand? Life was easier when I wasn't trying to figure out how to save the earth at the same time as raising the little rascals who are drawn to water like a duck. I am one very mixed up and confused earth mother. I think I will go have a glass of white wine on the deck and ponder the question some more - and enjoy their innocent, technology-free play.

I Hate Webkinz!

If you have never heard of Webkinz, please read on so you are fully informed about this toy, and if you are a parent with a child who has a Webkinz, you may understand my rant.

So, what is a Webkinz? It is a stuffed animal that comes with a computer code so that you can create a "virtual pet". I had never heard of Webkinz until my conservative sister-in-law mentioned that she was buying one for my niece and nephew for Christmas. Once the "pet" is adopted, it comes with an allowance for the child to purchase food and items for the pet. Once the money is spent, there are games for the child to "earn" more money - some of which are educational, but most of which are not. My kids love Zoo Tycoon, and so I thought this seemed like something they would like. The Webkinz arrived at our house on Christmas morning from "Santa".

Six months later and I detest the evil Webkinz. Dan calls Webkinz crack for kids. My kids have played computer games before, but the Webkinz has an addictive aspect to it that we have not experienced with other computer games. The first thing the kids want to do in the morning: play Webkinz. The first thing they want to do after school: play Webkinz. Given the opportunity, they would play Webkinz non-stop for days on end.

There are many problems with the addictive nature of Webkinz, but it is compounded in our family. In addition to limiting computer time, I have to come up with a schedule for computer time and then enforce the schedule, aka:

Mark: "But, Mom, I just need one more minute to put my pet to bed"
Andrew: "But it's MY TURN! GET OFF THE COMPUTER!"
Me: "Mark, get off the computer. It is your brother's turn."
Mark: "Okay, Mom".
Andrew: "MARK GET OFF THE COMPUTER!"
Me: "MARK! Your turn is over."
Mark: "I know. O.K."
Andrew: "Mom, Mark is not getting off the computer."

Me - At this point, I am wishing for the early 1980s commercial for Calgon Bubble Bath to come true: "Calgon....take me away!!"

You get the picture. Evil, vile toy. I have enough battles to referee among the kids, and Webkinz has just added to it. The light at the end of the tunnel - the Webkinz code "expires" after a year, unless you pay more money. Darn. Only six more months to go....

P.S. The photograph is a picture of the "Love Frog" Webkinz courtesy of Mark...and the Irony of the name has not escaped me.

Beyond Technology - Helicopter Moms

I read this story a couple of months ago about parenting styles and "helicopter moms" versus "free range moms" and a related story on the issue. These articles have sparked many conversations with other moms about how much freedom do you give your kids?

I know....it all depends upon the child and his or her maturity. But, I also think that part of the "freedom" is a reflection of parenting styles. In the interest of full disclosure, I tend to be more of a helicopter mom (and Dan is even more of a hovering parent than I am!). Ironically, both Dan & I were raised with much more of a free range. I walked a mile to school by myself from about 2nd grade (it's true!), roamed the neighborhood with my bike and rode the bus to the mall with friends by 4th grade. Dan has similar experiences. But, as parents, we can't imagine giving our kids that much freedom. Indeed, we drive our kids to school when the school is only 4 blocks away. What I can't figure out is why am I a helicopter mom?

We live in a very safe, small community with low crime, and indeed, crime is actually at the bottom of my list of worries. What I worry about most is that without parental supervision, the kids will misbehave. They are not bad kids...but they definitely have a group mentality/lack of any awareness of their surroundings that makes it more difficult for mature thoughts to prevail. I have witnessed many times when one child (usually Mark) comes up with an idea and immediately, Andrew and Emily are helping to implement the idea, such as the time when Mark decided to duct-tape a saucer sled on a skateboard to create a "summer sled". They also lack awareness of their surroundings - Andrew doesn't think twice about shoving Mark when Mark is purposefully pushing his buttons. Without supervision, where is the check to make sure the bad behavior is stopped or bad ideas are not implemented? That's the point - I can't let go of my hovering.

But, the rational part of my brain tells me that I have to learn how to not hover so much and to try to expect the best out of them. So, I decided to slowly give the kids some more rope - and give the evil neighbor-lady a chance to follow-through on her threat to call the police if she sees my kids misbehave (THAT story is too long for any blog post. Suffice it to say that in this blog post and all others, she is Mrs. Evil-Neighbor Lady). Last night was my first opportunity to try to give up some of my control. I had to take Emily to soccer and there was a 15 minutes stretch before Dan would be home from work. Rather than take the boys with me and have Dan stop by the soccer field, I left them alone at home (which reminds me, I need to check the statutes to find out whether it is illegal to leave 9 year olds home alone for short periods of time). While I am sure I have a few more gray hairs over the experience, they did just fine - no injuries (to each other or the house). It is going to take a long time to break the hovering, but at least I feel like I'm trying. Slowly. While closing my eyes tight and saying "lalalalala" to keep out any possible thoughts of bad things that could happen.

P.S. The picture at the top is from Mark's camera....not the best quality, but he loves taking pictures

Technology and Spelling

How relevant is spelling? Week after week, Mark, Andrew and Emily bring home their spelling lists to "practice" and memorize. Emily does well at memorization; Mark and Andrew not so much. Particularly, Mark. Some examples: Vagation (vacation); surpris (surprise); sistr (sister). But, with spellcheck and the frequent use of abbreviations in texting, it strikes me that poor spelling should not put me into panic mode - especially when the rest of his report card is just fine.

But....just as I became comfortable with the fact that he would never be a speller, I came across this article from the Washington Post talking about spelling, including the dismissal by teachers that spelling is irrelevant because of spell check. What I found especially intriguing about the article is differentiating between rote memorization in teaching spelling and teaching spelling in the broader context of meaning of words and conceptualization. Instead of learning how to just spell "vacation", the kids are taught the meaning of the word and how they can fit it into a sentence as an expression. Interesting idea.

In our school, the focus is on rote memorization. Which, especially for Mark & Andrew, is boring; they are curious little boys. They still ask "Why" about everything - almost to the point of exasperation. The article has made me curious to find out if the boys will do better at spelling next year if, instead of us sitting down and making them memorize the words for a Friday spelling test, we broaden the focus to include the meaning of words. So the words are more than just letters (the correct spelling of which is quickly forgotten after the Friday quiz). As I type this blog, I am selling myself on this idea.

As I reflect on this, as Mark has gone through his phases of being fascinated by space and the Titanic, he has excellent spelling of words related to those topics. And, it seems that if we can get Mark to spell better through context, it will help him even more than spell check since spell check cannot pick up context - deer versus dear, for example. Well, at least until spell check and grammar check are improved through advanced technology.

Stay tuned to see how spelling comes along in 4th grade....

Day One: Musings on Technology

Welcome to my first attempt at blogging! Why a blog? For fun ... and to make sure that I can at least pretend to be "with it" when it comes to technology as the kids get older. Although, as I think about it, perhaps this blog could be used as discipline leverage: "If you don't pick up your clothes, I am going to tell the world about it on my blog". The embarrassment factor. The equivalent of, in my days, my mom threatening to go to the mall with me. Well, not exactly equivalent....but the possibility of a blog as discipline leverage is enticing.

Technology seems to be advancing faster than this 38 year old mom can handle. There are kids in school, in 3rd grade, who have cell phones. The first time I heard this, I couldn't believe it. What does a 9 year old need with a cell phone?! I have no idea what age my kids will have a cell phone - probably not until they are in high school. And, then....the issue will become texting.

Oh, for the days of passing notes. I came across a notebook from law school where a friend and I had been having a "conversation" during a particularly boring lecture on constitutional law. It now seems so dated. Texting and IMs are the new tool for passing notes to friends. My kids already roll their eyes when I tell them, I remember when we didn't have the Internet. They can't even fathom life without Google, and I have trouble grasping the reality of on-line bullying and the digital memory recording the follies of youth. Is it just me, or is it harder to raise kids with all the new technology....or maybe, every generation of moms says that. I'm sure my mom was not thrilled with the CD technology that allowed me to endlessly loop and play Madonna's Like a Virgin. I now truly understand my mom's statement that I was giving her gray hairs.